So, as every Wednesday comes around I wonder when I will stop dating them back to my Dads death. It has been 7 weeks today, and the last few weeks have been extremely hard. I am back to work, life is seemly normal around here, with the exception of late night tears, strangers coming to the door asking for Dad, phone calls from metro, Dad's bike getting returned, strange dreams with Dad in them, lots of firsts with out Dad and well to be honest returning to normal life sucks, it is so overrated, gone are the days where we did not leave the house, when people came to us with meals and anything else we needed, when we could spend our time reflecting and crying as we felt necessary- I miss this time.... now I get my reflection time on my car rides to and from work, in the middle of the night, in the late evening with my Mom. The tears come harder and faster almost taking my breath away but seem gone quickly. I am learning the balance of grief and joy and that there are no rules in this process. I am also learning that everyone grieves so different, so it is not worth taking offences when somebody does not respond how I need them to or how I think they should. I am so thankful for the first few weeks after my Dad's death because life stopped, and as it does our world has been put in motion again. We had an engagement party for Bri and Stac, Cin is going to have a baby any day now, Elisha had her first school concert at the PAC, we have been so busy projects, our house is for sale, planning a wedding, and the list goes on, so many good things to look forward to....With everyday that goes by, it becomes more real that he is not coming home, that this is our new normal, everybody says it will get easier, and I look forward to that. For now, I am just doing my best to breathe, enjoy my family, and take moments to remember my Dad....
Love, Jul
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Wednesdays...
For me, Wednesdays are the toughest. Each week I think it will just be a little bit easier and then it somehow sneaks up on me and it is still that sad feeling of missing Mike. The memories of a day that seemed so 'normal' and how now just trying to get back to 'normal' can be hard some days. I continue to read the blog, and although it is sometimes sad, there is a lot of comfort in sharing our memories of Mike and moving through this process together. My head knows that this will get easier with time, I am just not sure my heart has bought into that quite yet.
To Judy, Julie and Leroy, Cindy and Rex, Brian and Stacy - you continue to amaze me on how you openly share your heart and move through this time with such grace. I can just see Mike smiling and know how proud he is of each of you. I love you all very much.
So, here it is another Wednesday....miss you Mike.
Joyce
To Judy, Julie and Leroy, Cindy and Rex, Brian and Stacy - you continue to amaze me on how you openly share your heart and move through this time with such grace. I can just see Mike smiling and know how proud he is of each of you. I love you all very much.
So, here it is another Wednesday....miss you Mike.
Joyce
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Missing my Daddy
This picture was taken shortly after Ryan was born. If you look closely you can see the tears running down my Dad's cheeks. Today like every day, it is hard. I miss him more and more as each second goes by. I miss his smell, his hands and his laughter. I miss hearing Cynthia Michelle being yelled. I miss feeling safe-like only my daddy could make me feel. I still grab for the phone to call him, try to remember funny things to tell him or think he is home when I pull up to Mom and Dad's house. I know that soon I will get use to him not being here or not calling him, but honestly I am not ready for that. I am not ready for my Father to be a memory. He adored his wife, loved his children and was in love with his grandchildren. I mourn the future not the past. I am less than two weeks away from giving birth to our second child, and I am so scared. Sacred that I will finally realize that my father will not be the first one to walk in the room shortly after I have the baby.
I love you with all my heart Daddy, promise me on the day of the baby's birth I will feel your presence.
Love your,
Middle Child Cynthia Michelle
Friday, April 16, 2010
Missing Big Brother
Friday today and for whatever reason just can't seem stop thinking about my big brother today. I think of him everyday but today he is really with me. Might be the sunshine and the thought of him taking a bike ride...:-) Mom and Dad took off to go on a little "Motor Home" outing...we where all glad to see them finally agree to go...Mike would of wanted them to go and would have been mad to think they would of stayed home because they are sad.
It is sad without him. I wake up some morning's and just for a quick minute forget what has happened...or I think that maybe he is going to call me and tell me some silly story that will make me laugh until I cry! I do know for sure that he is around all of us everyday and that he is having a blast in Heaven. It just has left such a big void down here. I love you big brother...what a blessing you have been to all of us....
Karen
It is sad without him. I wake up some morning's and just for a quick minute forget what has happened...or I think that maybe he is going to call me and tell me some silly story that will make me laugh until I cry! I do know for sure that he is around all of us everyday and that he is having a blast in Heaven. It just has left such a big void down here. I love you big brother...what a blessing you have been to all of us....
Karen
From Cupcake :)
I finally got around to watching that healthy incentives video that Bucky did. I saved it to my computer, but I haven't felt quite up to watching it yet... I did and I laughed. It was good to hear that joking laugh of his at the end!
I can't really believe that's it been a month already. It's crazy.
Thought I'd share a funny thing that happened:
I went to go use one of my old purses and I was cleaning out all the stuff that was in it. I realized that the last time I had used this purse was the last day I saw Bucky (when we all went out to the bar after work)... I had bought a new purse the next day... So, as I am cleaning out all the junk from it.. I started to laugh. Bucky used to like throwing all his garbage in by purses (he said they were big enough, so might as well get the full use out of them). I found the now empty pack of peanuts from the bar, with the remainder of its contents spilled all over the bottom. I made him eat the peanuts so that he would have atleast something in his stomach. And then I stumbled across a dirty snot rag he stuck in there! How typical! I didn't know it was in there. he had to blow his nose on the way home, and I found some tissues in the glove box... I never figured out where he put them when he was done.. hahaha
But it was nice. And it all happened at just the right time. Any sooner and I probably would have cried. But i just took it and laughed.
Still miss him, but it gets easier I suppose. :)
I can't really believe that's it been a month already. It's crazy.
Thought I'd share a funny thing that happened:
I went to go use one of my old purses and I was cleaning out all the stuff that was in it. I realized that the last time I had used this purse was the last day I saw Bucky (when we all went out to the bar after work)... I had bought a new purse the next day... So, as I am cleaning out all the junk from it.. I started to laugh. Bucky used to like throwing all his garbage in by purses (he said they were big enough, so might as well get the full use out of them). I found the now empty pack of peanuts from the bar, with the remainder of its contents spilled all over the bottom. I made him eat the peanuts so that he would have atleast something in his stomach. And then I stumbled across a dirty snot rag he stuck in there! How typical! I didn't know it was in there. he had to blow his nose on the way home, and I found some tissues in the glove box... I never figured out where he put them when he was done.. hahaha
But it was nice. And it all happened at just the right time. Any sooner and I probably would have cried. But i just took it and laughed.
Still miss him, but it gets easier I suppose. :)
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Dearest Mike
Well today is April 10th and you have been gone a month now, and yet it seems like forever. We miss you so much.
Somehow we made it through Ryan's 2nd birthday and Easter, and Sunday we will celebrate Johanna's 4th birthday. It is just not the same without your big laughter and teasing, but we know you are watching over us all.
You are at the top of the mountain now, Mike - no more medicine to take and all talk about and the pain is gone. Sounds like Metro is a little quiter and missing you too just like all your friends. Keep the sun shining for us all with a little rain sprinkled in. We all love you very much.
Love,
Mom & Dad
Somehow we made it through Ryan's 2nd birthday and Easter, and Sunday we will celebrate Johanna's 4th birthday. It is just not the same without your big laughter and teasing, but we know you are watching over us all.
You are at the top of the mountain now, Mike - no more medicine to take and all talk about and the pain is gone. Sounds like Metro is a little quiter and missing you too just like all your friends. Keep the sun shining for us all with a little rain sprinkled in. We all love you very much.
Love,
Mom & Dad
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Saturday, April 3, 2010
My speech
This is Rex my son-in-law, he's a firefighter. This is how Mike would always introduce me. He was proud of who I was and what I had accomplished. Dad was a great man and has taught me a lot. We will miss him but never forget him. How could you? Here are some of my favorite memories.
I will never forget the day that I asked Mike for his approval for Cindy and my marriage. Mike knew why I was coming into the garage. Along with everyone else. Mike was a larger than life kind of guy. He told you what he thought no matter what. I walked in the garage and began with the small talk. I was so nervous to ask one little sentence. So after awhile Mike prompted me with"So what are you doing this weekend, Rex." My response was "Well, Mike, that is why I am in here. I would like to ask your daughter to marry me but I would be honored for your approval first." Then I saw a tear start to form in his eye. He chuckled and said "Of course my answer is yes, I could not imagine anyone else for my daughter. I consider you a son." Mike always had a way of making things seem very easy. There was nothing to big to handle.
An Oh Shit memory of mine was a hike up to Crystal Peak. Once we got to the trail head Mike got his gear on which included his multi-day pack, poles and his nice boots. My gear included a back pack that I borrowed from Mike and tennis shoes. We started out walking at a Mike's pace. Of course he would say "you can go ahead if you want, Rex." "No, no Mike you know what you are doing I will stay with you." We finally get to the top; had our lunch and took a nap, of course. We headed back down. As we were hiking I started to hear scratching on the trees. I looked around and saw two cubs playing. Looked up another ten to fifteen feet and saw momma bear staring at me. I pointed and stuttered bear. Mike said "Shit Run!" I saw him run by me and I thought to my self "I thought you were supposed to be calm around bears?" But i ran with him because he had more experience than me..... and I knew I could run faster than him. We got half a mile away and I looked back and saw him running as fast as he could, which wasn't very fast. We met up and laughed and then continued our hike probably at a faster rate than normal. We got to the trooper and headed back home and Mike says "How about a shake from Walley's." He loved his shakes. He lived for the moment with no regrets. He always love an adventure.
When I first met Cin I was lucky if could change the oil in my truck. So of course it was important to Mike to teach me to not only change the oil, but do a tune up, and do my brakes. So after a few times showing me how to do my brakes he let me do it on my own. I had the truck backed into the garage, wheel chalks in front of the wheels and the rear end up in the air. I finished the brakes and I was proud because I did the brakes by my self and I knew he would be proud as well. I removed the chalks and started to lower the rear end of my truck and it slide into the middle post of the garage. I thought to my self "crap Dad is going to be pissed." With my tail between my legs I went to into the house and asked Mike to come out to the garage. When he came out he said "Oh shit," followed by "Are you ok?" I said "yes." "Well then lets move the truck." That is the way Mike was. His grace for us was like no other. He would do anything for us at any time at any cost.
Mike has taught me that life is short here on earth. Do not hold back. Do not be afraid. I challenge each one of us to live life to the fullest with no regrets. Take time for family because family was one of the most important things to him. Next to his mountain gear of course. On his Life is Good shirts is says Do what you love. Love what you do and he truly did that.
We love you Dad.
God Bless
I will never forget the day that I asked Mike for his approval for Cindy and my marriage. Mike knew why I was coming into the garage. Along with everyone else. Mike was a larger than life kind of guy. He told you what he thought no matter what. I walked in the garage and began with the small talk. I was so nervous to ask one little sentence. So after awhile Mike prompted me with"So what are you doing this weekend, Rex." My response was "Well, Mike, that is why I am in here. I would like to ask your daughter to marry me but I would be honored for your approval first." Then I saw a tear start to form in his eye. He chuckled and said "Of course my answer is yes, I could not imagine anyone else for my daughter. I consider you a son." Mike always had a way of making things seem very easy. There was nothing to big to handle.
An Oh Shit memory of mine was a hike up to Crystal Peak. Once we got to the trail head Mike got his gear on which included his multi-day pack, poles and his nice boots. My gear included a back pack that I borrowed from Mike and tennis shoes. We started out walking at a Mike's pace. Of course he would say "you can go ahead if you want, Rex." "No, no Mike you know what you are doing I will stay with you." We finally get to the top; had our lunch and took a nap, of course. We headed back down. As we were hiking I started to hear scratching on the trees. I looked around and saw two cubs playing. Looked up another ten to fifteen feet and saw momma bear staring at me. I pointed and stuttered bear. Mike said "Shit Run!" I saw him run by me and I thought to my self "I thought you were supposed to be calm around bears?" But i ran with him because he had more experience than me..... and I knew I could run faster than him. We got half a mile away and I looked back and saw him running as fast as he could, which wasn't very fast. We met up and laughed and then continued our hike probably at a faster rate than normal. We got to the trooper and headed back home and Mike says "How about a shake from Walley's." He loved his shakes. He lived for the moment with no regrets. He always love an adventure.
When I first met Cin I was lucky if could change the oil in my truck. So of course it was important to Mike to teach me to not only change the oil, but do a tune up, and do my brakes. So after a few times showing me how to do my brakes he let me do it on my own. I had the truck backed into the garage, wheel chalks in front of the wheels and the rear end up in the air. I finished the brakes and I was proud because I did the brakes by my self and I knew he would be proud as well. I removed the chalks and started to lower the rear end of my truck and it slide into the middle post of the garage. I thought to my self "crap Dad is going to be pissed." With my tail between my legs I went to into the house and asked Mike to come out to the garage. When he came out he said "Oh shit," followed by "Are you ok?" I said "yes." "Well then lets move the truck." That is the way Mike was. His grace for us was like no other. He would do anything for us at any time at any cost.
Mike has taught me that life is short here on earth. Do not hold back. Do not be afraid. I challenge each one of us to live life to the fullest with no regrets. Take time for family because family was one of the most important things to him. Next to his mountain gear of course. On his Life is Good shirts is says Do what you love. Love what you do and he truly did that.
We love you Dad.
God Bless
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