Dad,
I woke up this morning with a very heavy heart. It is hard to believe that we are celebrating another new year without you Dad. With the new year comes so many changes, some new and exciting and some scary as hell. We your children are learning and exploring our new roles in our new family dynamic. Things are not always pretty! But we are trying and we are all sticking together. Things look so different without you. I still miss you everyday. Today Ry asked me if you had ankles- he meant wrinkles I told him yes, but the only ones I could remember are the ones around your eyes. I told him it was because you smiled all the time and you smiled with all of your face. That made me smile and in my rear-view mirror I could see my "smile wrinkles". Lola May does the same thing along with all of your other grandchildren! Today for some reason the tears will not stop. To find some joy and to feel close to you, I loaded the boys up and drove to Mount Peak. On the way up I got a coffee and an old fashion donut for the boys. With two happy, healthy boys in loaded in the back of my van I drove and cried the entire way to Mt Peak. Ry asked questions about you-which he often does. While Jacob pointed out the window saying moo at every animal between our house and Mt Peak. It is crazy to think I was pregnant with Jacob when you died. I wish you could see them, I wish they could feel your house bites, learn about barking spiders and know to never seriously never pull Grandpa's finger. When I got to Mt Peak I wanted to run to the place you died and just lay down, lay in the last place you took your last breath. I just wanted to feel you. I wanted to say the word Dad and have someone respond, I wanted to hear you say I love you Cin. Mos of all I wanted a big bear hug-like only you can give. But I did not run to the top, instead I drove by and cursed that silly hill that was able to conqueror you. My father who was larger than life. People say that the second year in your grief is the hardest-I totally agree. I am no longer numb. Emotions are high and I am trying to navigate my way. Some days I smile when I think of you and other days it makes me sad. On the way home I looked back at my two little boys. Ry who is almost 4 was wearing a hat, safety goggles and gloves(he was being silly) was telling Jake a story about you. He was telling him how you use to play tractors with him and how you are with Jesus now. Jakey sat and listened and then laughed. They quickly moved on to something else, but for that moment I was not sad. I realized that although you are not physically here, your legacy lives on. It lives on within all of us. For that I am grateful. Thank you for living life to the fullest and teaching me so much. God must have needed someone in heaven to teach all the other children about barking spiders. I love you!
Cynthia Michelle

Happy Birthday Son

Well Mike, tomorrow is December 23rd and your 54th birthday. Dad and I had to rush through Los Angeles to get to the hospital in time. We made it, and your Dad was so proud to have a son and I was so happy to hold you in my arms for the first time.

Everyday we think of you, always with a smile, and often with laughter and sometimes with tears. We will always be proud to be Mike's Mom and Dad.

Happy Birthday Son, we love you and miss you.

~ Dad & Mom

Found Photo

I came across this picture today and it made me smile for many reasons. First, Mike has a Starbucks coffee cup in his hand. Going over to the Buchanan's, I knew I needed to finish my coffee before I walked in the garage or bring him one too. If not, he'd say "where's my coffee?" I also love that he got dressed up for my graduation party. I remember noticing his outfit and feeling special that he dressed up for the occasion. I didn't catch it at first, but for this sweet family photo Mike decided to give Cin bunny ears. Classic. He's not even giggling about getting away with it. If I would have noticed at the time, I probably would have deleted it and made him take a new picture. I'm really glad that I didn't. -Jamie

Things I want to tell you...

Dad, There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of something to tell you. I had a Dad moment tonight, Ellie got her first serves over the net at her volley ball game and I cried, just like you would-pure JOY and excitement that brought me to tears. It's cold out- your favorite kind of days- cold and beautiful out. I miss you. Almond Roca is in the stores, REI has some great holiday commercials this year. Mom is loving that her Hallmark holiday movies are on every night and I have to admit-I am loving them also. Lola is great, she is so cute. Brian is starting to look more like you everyday. Stacy is an amazing Mom. Cindy is my ROCK and is still so much like you. Rex is thoughtful and devoted in all things he does. Jake is really "coming into his own" Ryan is so smart, he learns something new everyday and I love that he calls me on the phone to tell me these wonderful things. Ellie's is a young lady, smart, kind and generous. Johanna is full of imagination, she can make something out of nothing and enjoy every minute. Leroy and I have grown in ways we never imagined possible, we are learning what real love is in our life choices. We love being with Mom and Grandpa,we really have become our own blended family. Leroy is amazing at managing the house-it is so much work, he has to unclog the gutters every few weeks it seems and always says "I do not know how Dad did this all the time." Your parents miss you, they are so brave, and in some strange way we all have a deeper love for each other, we even did a camping trip this summer and it was so much fun-just like old times. Your sisters have been a good support for Mom, they have dinner dates the 3 of them. Mom misses you, she is learning to grieve- you know how she is, kind of tough on the outside-strong-English but the inside she is sensitive and tender.Perspective, I ponder this word often trying or attempting to keep myself in check. To remember to enjoy more and worry less. To laugh more and be serious less. To love more. To spend more time trying to understand than being understood. I hope I am doing these things justice, it is how I honor you, remember you and keep you close to my heart. Thank you for being my Dad, for being human, honest, and lovable. I miss you. I love you Dad.Love, Jul