Dad,
I woke up this morning with a very heavy heart. It is hard to believe that we are celebrating another new year without you Dad. With the new year comes so many changes, some new and exciting and some scary as hell. We your children are learning and exploring our new roles in our new family dynamic. Things are not always pretty! But we are trying and we are all sticking together. Things look so different without you. I still miss you everyday. Today Ry asked me if you had ankles- he meant wrinkles I told him yes, but the only ones I could remember are the ones around your eyes. I told him it was because you smiled all the time and you smiled with all of your face. That made me smile and in my rear-view mirror I could see my "smile wrinkles". Lola May does the same thing along with all of your other grandchildren! Today for some reason the tears will not stop. To find some joy and to feel close to you, I loaded the boys up and drove to Mount Peak. On the way up I got a coffee and an old fashion donut for the boys. With two happy, healthy boys in loaded in the back of my van I drove and cried the entire way to Mt Peak. Ry asked questions about you-which he often does. While Jacob pointed out the window saying moo at every animal between our house and Mt Peak. It is crazy to think I was pregnant with Jacob when you died. I wish you could see them, I wish they could feel your house bites, learn about barking spiders and know to never seriously never pull Grandpa's finger. When I got to Mt Peak I wanted to run to the place you died and just lay down, lay in the last place you took your last breath. I just wanted to feel you. I wanted to say the word Dad and have someone respond, I wanted to hear you say I love you Cin. Mos of all I wanted a big bear hug-like only you can give. But I did not run to the top, instead I drove by and cursed that silly hill that was able to conqueror you. My father who was larger than life. People say that the second year in your grief is the hardest-I totally agree. I am no longer numb. Emotions are high and I am trying to navigate my way. Some days I smile when I think of you and other days it makes me sad. On the way home I looked back at my two little boys. Ry who is almost 4 was wearing a hat, safety goggles and gloves(he was being silly) was telling Jake a story about you. He was telling him how you use to play tractors with him and how you are with Jesus now. Jakey sat and listened and then laughed. They quickly moved on to something else, but for that moment I was not sad. I realized that although you are not physically here, your legacy lives on. It lives on within all of us. For that I am grateful. Thank you for living life to the fullest and teaching me so much. God must have needed someone in heaven to teach all the other children about barking spiders. I love you!
Cynthia Michelle