Dad,
I woke up this morning with a very heavy heart. It is hard to believe that we are celebrating another new year without you Dad. With the new year comes so many changes, some new and exciting and some scary as hell. We your children are learning and exploring our new roles in our new family dynamic. Things are not always pretty! But we are trying and we are all sticking together. Things look so different without you. I still miss you everyday. Today Ry asked me if you had ankles- he meant wrinkles I told him yes, but the only ones I could remember are the ones around your eyes. I told him it was because you smiled all the time and you smiled with all of your face. That made me smile and in my rear-view mirror I could see my "smile wrinkles". Lola May does the same thing along with all of your other grandchildren! Today for some reason the tears will not stop. To find some joy and to feel close to you, I loaded the boys up and drove to Mount Peak. On the way up I got a coffee and an old fashion donut for the boys. With two happy, healthy boys in loaded in the back of my van I drove and cried the entire way to Mt Peak. Ry asked questions about you-which he often does. While Jacob pointed out the window saying moo at every animal between our house and Mt Peak. It is crazy to think I was pregnant with Jacob when you died. I wish you could see them, I wish they could feel your house bites, learn about barking spiders and know to never seriously never pull Grandpa's finger. When I got to Mt Peak I wanted to run to the place you died and just lay down, lay in the last place you took your last breath. I just wanted to feel you. I wanted to say the word Dad and have someone respond, I wanted to hear you say I love you Cin. Mos of all I wanted a big bear hug-like only you can give. But I did not run to the top, instead I drove by and cursed that silly hill that was able to conqueror you. My father who was larger than life. People say that the second year in your grief is the hardest-I totally agree. I am no longer numb. Emotions are high and I am trying to navigate my way. Some days I smile when I think of you and other days it makes me sad. On the way home I looked back at my two little boys. Ry who is almost 4 was wearing a hat, safety goggles and gloves(he was being silly) was telling Jake a story about you. He was telling him how you use to play tractors with him and how you are with Jesus now. Jakey sat and listened and then laughed. They quickly moved on to something else, but for that moment I was not sad. I realized that although you are not physically here, your legacy lives on. It lives on within all of us. For that I am grateful. Thank you for living life to the fullest and teaching me so much. God must have needed someone in heaven to teach all the other children about barking spiders. I love you!
Cynthia Michelle

Happy Birthday Son

Well Mike, tomorrow is December 23rd and your 54th birthday. Dad and I had to rush through Los Angeles to get to the hospital in time. We made it, and your Dad was so proud to have a son and I was so happy to hold you in my arms for the first time.

Everyday we think of you, always with a smile, and often with laughter and sometimes with tears. We will always be proud to be Mike's Mom and Dad.

Happy Birthday Son, we love you and miss you.

~ Dad & Mom

Found Photo

I came across this picture today and it made me smile for many reasons. First, Mike has a Starbucks coffee cup in his hand. Going over to the Buchanan's, I knew I needed to finish my coffee before I walked in the garage or bring him one too. If not, he'd say "where's my coffee?" I also love that he got dressed up for my graduation party. I remember noticing his outfit and feeling special that he dressed up for the occasion. I didn't catch it at first, but for this sweet family photo Mike decided to give Cin bunny ears. Classic. He's not even giggling about getting away with it. If I would have noticed at the time, I probably would have deleted it and made him take a new picture. I'm really glad that I didn't. -Jamie

Things I want to tell you...

Dad, There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of something to tell you. I had a Dad moment tonight, Ellie got her first serves over the net at her volley ball game and I cried, just like you would-pure JOY and excitement that brought me to tears. It's cold out- your favorite kind of days- cold and beautiful out. I miss you. Almond Roca is in the stores, REI has some great holiday commercials this year. Mom is loving that her Hallmark holiday movies are on every night and I have to admit-I am loving them also. Lola is great, she is so cute. Brian is starting to look more like you everyday. Stacy is an amazing Mom. Cindy is my ROCK and is still so much like you. Rex is thoughtful and devoted in all things he does. Jake is really "coming into his own" Ryan is so smart, he learns something new everyday and I love that he calls me on the phone to tell me these wonderful things. Ellie's is a young lady, smart, kind and generous. Johanna is full of imagination, she can make something out of nothing and enjoy every minute. Leroy and I have grown in ways we never imagined possible, we are learning what real love is in our life choices. We love being with Mom and Grandpa,we really have become our own blended family. Leroy is amazing at managing the house-it is so much work, he has to unclog the gutters every few weeks it seems and always says "I do not know how Dad did this all the time." Your parents miss you, they are so brave, and in some strange way we all have a deeper love for each other, we even did a camping trip this summer and it was so much fun-just like old times. Your sisters have been a good support for Mom, they have dinner dates the 3 of them. Mom misses you, she is learning to grieve- you know how she is, kind of tough on the outside-strong-English but the inside she is sensitive and tender.Perspective, I ponder this word often trying or attempting to keep myself in check. To remember to enjoy more and worry less. To laugh more and be serious less. To love more. To spend more time trying to understand than being understood. I hope I am doing these things justice, it is how I honor you, remember you and keep you close to my heart. Thank you for being my Dad, for being human, honest, and lovable. I miss you. I love you Dad.Love, Jul

Happy Birthday Daddy!!!

December 23rd would have been my Dad's 53rd birthday. It was a sad and somber day for us. I started my morning out by climbing Mt. Peak. It was my first time up since my Dad's death. Rex and I took it slow and I enjoyed every step of the way. I felt my Dads arms wrapped around me and I heard his calm soothing voice encouraging me all the way. "You can do it Cin, I am here, you will be okay, I will never leave you." I feel blessed to have had several dreams about my Dad with him saying these very same things to me. These are phrases I heard daily from him when he was alive. I still hear them, sometimes I just have to listen a little harder. There is a bench half way up the hike, it reads-see you at the top. Well there is a new top to Mt. Peak for me. It is were my Dad took his last breath. I stood there crying in Rex's arms and a breeze of warm air blew through on a very cold crisp day. Chills ran up my body, and I was yet again reminded that my Dad is all around me and still with me in everything I do. So much time has passed, but yet I feel like my Dad is still here. I look at Jake and I really see how much time has gone by. Jul said it best; Dad and Jake met in heaven and spent time there together before Jake was born. This must be true because I do not ever feel like my Dad did not meet Jake. Jake is just like him.
This past year was a year of new traditions and new normals for us as a family. After a very, very difficult Thanksgiving Mom, Julie, Leroy, Brian, Stac, Rex and I decided that we would celebrate Dads birthday and Christmas just "us" as my Dad would say. For his birthday we did just that after a very thoughtful gift from a friend with detailed instructions to go out to dinner, we did. We went to one of Dads favorite restaurants in Seattle(yes my Dad went to nice places and also would dress up-that is how much he loved my mom!!!). We (mom and her children) had an amazing meal. With a surprise bottle of champagne at the table. We definitely had a great time. As the wine and food were never ending, we laughed and cried a lot but most of all we celebrated. We celebrated my Father, life, each other and the future. We each told special memories. Like Mom said-it was as if no one else was in the restaurant. It was the best way to celebrate him. We were all together, my Dad would not expect anything different but would also be so proud. My Dad lived, loved and laughed each day of his life and I am trying to do the same.

More Pictures

Christmas Pictures

December

Here it is the 10th of December, always a tough day but we know you would not want us wandering around being sad. Somehow we made it through a new grandson, birthdays, the wedding, holidays and various other celebrations without you and next, we move onto Cindy, Joyce, you and Julie's birthdays plus Christmas in the middle. Dad and I continue to think and talk about you everyday through tears and laughter. There are good days and bad days for all of us, and our love and support of each other get us through this day by day.

The snow in the mountains and our big snow storm made us think of you and how much you loved your adventures in the snow, and getting your Christmas tree with Judy and the kids was always a highlight. It is fun to see the grandkids grow and change - Jake is a little you with such a big smile and easy laugh, Ryan is adventurous and curious, Elisha is smart and has such a sense of style, and Johanna is sweet and keeps us all smiling with her fun sense of humor. Judy is amazingly strong as she moves forward, and we love her so much. Julie, Leroy, Cindy, Rex, Brian and Stacy are busy building their lives and remembering all the fun times you had. Your buddy Ralph keeps on singing while missing the times you two shared.

As a Son, Husband, Father, Brother, Grandfather and Friend you touched us all. Thanks to the support of all the family and friends, we move forward and hope that time will help heal the pain. There is strength in the memories from your Celebration of Life and are honored by all the people who came and shared the laughter and sorrow. All of our memories remain close to our hearts, and we miss your laughter, jokes and smile but mainly we just miss you.

We think about and love you each and everyday Mike.

Mom & Dad

Be thankful

This is the season to be thankful. I am thankful for my family and every moment I have with them. Dad we miss you, but we are still living.

So here we are.....

I have a rare quite moment in our home. Both boys are sleeping and yes the house is actually clean. I honestly cherish this time, it is time to catch up with my Dad. I still look at and read the blog every night. It makes me feel close to him. The six month mark has come and gone, to most it was just another day. Most people did not acknowledge or even remember that on September 10th it was 6 months since our Father died. For me (Cindy) it was a day of great sorrow. I remember thinking when he died how would we live without him. Well we are, life does go on even if sometime I want it to stop. I still pick up my phone to call him, I still wonder what he is doing and sometimes I still honestly think that this is all just a joke and he will come walking in the front door. I truly miss him everyday. Life is just quite without him. He truly was larger than life. I have been Blessed with amazing dreams and images of my Dad in the last six months. I also take great comfort in the fact that Jake our youngest looks just like my Dad. He loves to be around people and he wants what he wants when he wants it. His smile is infectious, and helps all of us see the good things in life. So here we are, as Jul said most of us are coming out of the fog. We continue to laugh, cry and stick together-because that is what our parents taught us. It is great to see him live on in each of us. Yesterday I came home to Rexer doing his breaks on his truck for the first time without Dad, as I sat in the car watching him I noticed that he was wearing Dad's shirt. He noticed me watching him, a smile and tears is what we both were wearing at the same moment. Later Ry was helping him and I walked out to check on them, Ry came over to show me a tool. I looked down and saw oil and grease all over my 2year-old hands. They looked just like his Grandpa's hands. I thank God daily for the fact that my boys look like there Grandpa. What a blessing.

Life is good, but quite without you Daddy. I miss you. Thank you for always making me feel special and like your little princess even after your death. 27 years with you, makes 6 months without you seem like a life time. I love you.

Cin

Coming out of the Fog....

So, it has been six months since you left us Dad. There is so much I want to tell you, so many moments I wish you where there. First I would tell you that we are doing OK, we have each other and that is all that matters. Leroy, the girls and I have adjusted well. The girls love living at "Grandma's" Elisha is so excited to get a big Christmas tree. They are getting so big, they have had to be so strong and brave during all this change. They miss you, for Elisha, she misses you in real ways, she understands that you are gone and not coming back, that you will never be able to see Mt. Rainer, or give her horse bites, or snuggle in the chair; when she misses you she is so good to share that with us, she likes to spend time out in the garage-"working on projects" Johanna is very matter-of-fact, I think that she must dream about you because she sometimes criesfor you in her sleep. Leroy is amazing, he is our rock, You would be so proud of him, it has been so refreshing to see him begin a process of rediscovering himself. Just a few weeks ago he and Rex went for a Hike on Mt. Rainer, they had a blast and yes, they took the MSR stove. We have really tried to make efforts to remember you and do things that you loved Last Friday the 10th, a date that we are trying to reserve to remember you. We went to Aversanos and the football game-Sumner won in double overtime. Mom is well mom, she is amazing and so strong for all of us, she misses you deeply and yet makes every effort to embrace our new life. She talks about you with love, remembers you with laughter, and honors you with her ability to move forward. I-Julie- feel as if I am coming out of a dense fog, you know the kind where you can't see enough to take a next step, yet you have to keep moving forward. The pain in losing you has given me this amazing gift and that is to LIVE. Everything in my life has changed- and my health is still not well, but everyday I wake up and find myself greatful for this day and thankful for this opportunity to be so close to everyone that I love. I miss you Dad. Love, Jul

Finding Dad in the City

I have been meaning to write for some time, to reflect on the last few months. It has been 5 months today, and in the picture of a lifetime that is nothing. Every time the 10th rolls around it is a very emotional day, a day to reflect, to remember...I really truly just miss Him. I think that we all just miss Him. It is like my heart and my head are finally connecting and I really am beginning to understand that He is really gone and not coming home. I still hit His number on speed dial, hoping that by some miracle he will answer. I am also realizing that it is very hard to share him in his death despite that fact that in life I shared him with so many people. It amazes me that death can propel such a growth process if you allow it.

So, this last weekend was one of great anticipation Brian and Stacy got married. It was a beautiful, small, intimate wedding and I could feel Dad at every moment. I was so scared about being in Seattle without Dad, but found Him everywhere we went. The wedding really was one of the last things that Dad knew about, so I think the thought of the future is a little overwhelming, like it is time to move to forward without him. I don't think I am ready to do this, but it seems that with each passing day, there are no new memories with him, only moments when your heart reflects. So, Dad if I could tell you anything today it would be "thank you so much for meeting us in the city....For being at the wedding in the wind and rain, for helping us find our way around as we realized that you where always our driver in city, and for giving mom the courage to stand tall and enjoy her son's wedding." Love, Jul

Sign your name

Please do not forget to sign your name when you post something on the blog. We love to know who it is from. Thank you

Feels like time has stood still...

It's been almost 5 months. But it feels like it was just a week ago. And even then, sometimes it feels like he never left.

I catch myself thinking that I have the funniest story to tell him! And for a few short seconds, I completely forget that he is gone.

I seem to be missing him a lot more in the past few weeks. I've had a few dreams that everything was back to 'normal' or when I spontaneously burst into tear in traffic. it's been rough.
So much has happened since he left, and I really miss him.

But then I find comfort in knowing that he is on my side up there.. and he really isn't missing anything.

-Cupcake :)

Good night Dad

Every night before bed I sit and stare at the picture of my Dad. I talk to him, tell him about my day all the ups and downs and crazy things that happened. I can see his reaction to each story. It is almost like for a second I forget that he is really gone. For that brief second I actually feel as if I am talking to him. Today is three months since he died and I ache more today than the night that we found out. At this time three months ago I was sitting at my parents house trying to understand what was going on. I do not remember much of that night, which for me is a blessing. I do remember crawling in bed with my mom and holding her hand while we slept. Now three months later we are all holding hands. Mom, Julie, Leroy, Brian, Stacy, Rexer and I. Because that is what we do. We have really hard days that never seem to end, but some how they do. I miss him every second of everyday. I hear his voice still and I can smell him. I laugh and cry often when I think about memories with him. He was my Daddy and I was the stereotypical "Daddy's girl". I look in the mirror and I see him. I look at my children and I see him. He is all around me and I take comfort in that. Today while unpacking Ry's old clothes to get ready for Jake to wear I found a shirt that said "Grandpa's right hand man". I remember when my mom bought the shirt. Dad loved it. I am pretty sure that he cried when he saw Ryan wearing it. I cannot wait to put it on Jake, if Dad were here he would have two little right hand men.

Field Trip...

Elisha goes on her first field trip tomorrow and for some reason it is a flood of emotions for me. My Dad went of every field trip I ever had. He worked nights, and would get off work and come whether it was the zoo, saltwater state park, Wild Waves, he was always there. I have lots pictures of me curled up in his armpit while he slept on the bus ride home (thank you to the parents who captured this). I would have loved nothing more than my Dad to have been able to go with Elisha on this particular Field trip to the Nature center, to enjoy smashed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or baloney and cheese-So, thanks Dad for such special memories, I wish today I could just curl up in your arms. Elisha told me that she thinks Grandpa is going all sorts of field trips in heaven and I think that she is right....
I miss you Dad!!! Love, Jul

It's a Boy!!!!!!!

Jacob Landon Orcutt was born on May 1st at 4:27 pm. He weighed a healthy 8 pounds and was 20.5 inches long.

New Normals....

So, as every Wednesday comes around I wonder when I will stop dating them back to my Dads death. It has been 7 weeks today, and the last few weeks have been extremely hard. I am back to work, life is seemly normal around here, with the exception of late night tears, strangers coming to the door asking for Dad, phone calls from metro, Dad's bike getting returned, strange dreams with Dad in them, lots of firsts with out Dad and well to be honest returning to normal life sucks, it is so overrated, gone are the days where we did not leave the house, when people came to us with meals and anything else we needed, when we could spend our time reflecting and crying as we felt necessary- I miss this time.... now I get my reflection time on my car rides to and from work, in the middle of the night, in the late evening with my Mom. The tears come harder and faster almost taking my breath away but seem gone quickly. I am learning the balance of grief and joy and that there are no rules in this process. I am also learning that everyone grieves so different, so it is not worth taking offences when somebody does not respond how I need them to or how I think they should. I am so thankful for the first few weeks after my Dad's death because life stopped, and as it does our world has been put in motion again. We had an engagement party for Bri and Stac, Cin is going to have a baby any day now, Elisha had her first school concert at the PAC, we have been so busy projects, our house is for sale, planning a wedding, and the list goes on, so many good things to look forward to....With everyday that goes by, it becomes more real that he is not coming home, that this is our new normal, everybody says it will get easier, and I look forward to that. For now, I am just doing my best to breathe, enjoy my family, and take moments to remember my Dad....
Love, Jul

Wednesdays...

For me, Wednesdays are the toughest. Each week I think it will just be a little bit easier and then it somehow sneaks up on me and it is still that sad feeling of missing Mike. The memories of a day that seemed so 'normal' and how now just trying to get back to 'normal' can be hard some days. I continue to read the blog, and although it is sometimes sad, there is a lot of comfort in sharing our memories of Mike and moving through this process together. My head knows that this will get easier with time, I am just not sure my heart has bought into that quite yet.

To Judy, Julie and Leroy, Cindy and Rex, Brian and Stacy - you continue to amaze me on how you openly share your heart and move through this time with such grace. I can just see Mike smiling and know how proud he is of each of you. I love you all very much.

So, here it is another Wednesday....miss you Mike.

Joyce

Missing my Daddy

This picture was taken shortly after Ryan was born. If you look closely you can see the tears running down my Dad's cheeks. Today like every day, it is hard. I miss him more and more as each second goes by. I miss his smell, his hands and his laughter. I miss hearing Cynthia Michelle being yelled. I miss feeling safe-like only my daddy could make me feel. I still grab for the phone to call him, try to remember funny things to tell him or think he is home when I pull up to Mom and Dad's house. I know that soon I will get use to him not being here or not calling him, but honestly I am not ready for that. I am not ready for my Father to be a memory. He adored his wife, loved his children and was in love with his grandchildren. I mourn the future not the past. I am less than two weeks away from giving birth to our second child, and I am so scared. Sacred that I will finally realize that my father will not be the first one to walk in the room shortly after I have the baby.

I love you with all my heart Daddy, promise me on the day of the baby's birth I will feel your presence.

Love your,

Middle Child Cynthia Michelle