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December

Here it is the 10th of December, always a tough day but we know you would not want us wandering around being sad. Somehow we made it through a new grandson, birthdays, the wedding, holidays and various other celebrations without you and next, we move onto Cindy, Joyce, you and Julie's birthdays plus Christmas in the middle. Dad and I continue to think and talk about you everyday through tears and laughter. There are good days and bad days for all of us, and our love and support of each other get us through this day by day.

The snow in the mountains and our big snow storm made us think of you and how much you loved your adventures in the snow, and getting your Christmas tree with Judy and the kids was always a highlight. It is fun to see the grandkids grow and change - Jake is a little you with such a big smile and easy laugh, Ryan is adventurous and curious, Elisha is smart and has such a sense of style, and Johanna is sweet and keeps us all smiling with her fun sense of humor. Judy is amazingly strong as she moves forward, and we love her so much. Julie, Leroy, Cindy, Rex, Brian and Stacy are busy building their lives and remembering all the fun times you had. Your buddy Ralph keeps on singing while missing the times you two shared.

As a Son, Husband, Father, Brother, Grandfather and Friend you touched us all. Thanks to the support of all the family and friends, we move forward and hope that time will help heal the pain. There is strength in the memories from your Celebration of Life and are honored by all the people who came and shared the laughter and sorrow. All of our memories remain close to our hearts, and we miss your laughter, jokes and smile but mainly we just miss you.

We think about and love you each and everyday Mike.

Mom & Dad

Be thankful

This is the season to be thankful. I am thankful for my family and every moment I have with them. Dad we miss you, but we are still living.

So here we are.....

I have a rare quite moment in our home. Both boys are sleeping and yes the house is actually clean. I honestly cherish this time, it is time to catch up with my Dad. I still look at and read the blog every night. It makes me feel close to him. The six month mark has come and gone, to most it was just another day. Most people did not acknowledge or even remember that on September 10th it was 6 months since our Father died. For me (Cindy) it was a day of great sorrow. I remember thinking when he died how would we live without him. Well we are, life does go on even if sometime I want it to stop. I still pick up my phone to call him, I still wonder what he is doing and sometimes I still honestly think that this is all just a joke and he will come walking in the front door. I truly miss him everyday. Life is just quite without him. He truly was larger than life. I have been Blessed with amazing dreams and images of my Dad in the last six months. I also take great comfort in the fact that Jake our youngest looks just like my Dad. He loves to be around people and he wants what he wants when he wants it. His smile is infectious, and helps all of us see the good things in life. So here we are, as Jul said most of us are coming out of the fog. We continue to laugh, cry and stick together-because that is what our parents taught us. It is great to see him live on in each of us. Yesterday I came home to Rexer doing his breaks on his truck for the first time without Dad, as I sat in the car watching him I noticed that he was wearing Dad's shirt. He noticed me watching him, a smile and tears is what we both were wearing at the same moment. Later Ry was helping him and I walked out to check on them, Ry came over to show me a tool. I looked down and saw oil and grease all over my 2year-old hands. They looked just like his Grandpa's hands. I thank God daily for the fact that my boys look like there Grandpa. What a blessing.

Life is good, but quite without you Daddy. I miss you. Thank you for always making me feel special and like your little princess even after your death. 27 years with you, makes 6 months without you seem like a life time. I love you.

Cin

Coming out of the Fog....

So, it has been six months since you left us Dad. There is so much I want to tell you, so many moments I wish you where there. First I would tell you that we are doing OK, we have each other and that is all that matters. Leroy, the girls and I have adjusted well. The girls love living at "Grandma's" Elisha is so excited to get a big Christmas tree. They are getting so big, they have had to be so strong and brave during all this change. They miss you, for Elisha, she misses you in real ways, she understands that you are gone and not coming back, that you will never be able to see Mt. Rainer, or give her horse bites, or snuggle in the chair; when she misses you she is so good to share that with us, she likes to spend time out in the garage-"working on projects" Johanna is very matter-of-fact, I think that she must dream about you because she sometimes criesfor you in her sleep. Leroy is amazing, he is our rock, You would be so proud of him, it has been so refreshing to see him begin a process of rediscovering himself. Just a few weeks ago he and Rex went for a Hike on Mt. Rainer, they had a blast and yes, they took the MSR stove. We have really tried to make efforts to remember you and do things that you loved Last Friday the 10th, a date that we are trying to reserve to remember you. We went to Aversanos and the football game-Sumner won in double overtime. Mom is well mom, she is amazing and so strong for all of us, she misses you deeply and yet makes every effort to embrace our new life. She talks about you with love, remembers you with laughter, and honors you with her ability to move forward. I-Julie- feel as if I am coming out of a dense fog, you know the kind where you can't see enough to take a next step, yet you have to keep moving forward. The pain in losing you has given me this amazing gift and that is to LIVE. Everything in my life has changed- and my health is still not well, but everyday I wake up and find myself greatful for this day and thankful for this opportunity to be so close to everyone that I love. I miss you Dad. Love, Jul

Finding Dad in the City

I have been meaning to write for some time, to reflect on the last few months. It has been 5 months today, and in the picture of a lifetime that is nothing. Every time the 10th rolls around it is a very emotional day, a day to reflect, to remember...I really truly just miss Him. I think that we all just miss Him. It is like my heart and my head are finally connecting and I really am beginning to understand that He is really gone and not coming home. I still hit His number on speed dial, hoping that by some miracle he will answer. I am also realizing that it is very hard to share him in his death despite that fact that in life I shared him with so many people. It amazes me that death can propel such a growth process if you allow it.

So, this last weekend was one of great anticipation Brian and Stacy got married. It was a beautiful, small, intimate wedding and I could feel Dad at every moment. I was so scared about being in Seattle without Dad, but found Him everywhere we went. The wedding really was one of the last things that Dad knew about, so I think the thought of the future is a little overwhelming, like it is time to move to forward without him. I don't think I am ready to do this, but it seems that with each passing day, there are no new memories with him, only moments when your heart reflects. So, Dad if I could tell you anything today it would be "thank you so much for meeting us in the city....For being at the wedding in the wind and rain, for helping us find our way around as we realized that you where always our driver in city, and for giving mom the courage to stand tall and enjoy her son's wedding." Love, Jul

Sign your name

Please do not forget to sign your name when you post something on the blog. We love to know who it is from. Thank you

Feels like time has stood still...

It's been almost 5 months. But it feels like it was just a week ago. And even then, sometimes it feels like he never left.

I catch myself thinking that I have the funniest story to tell him! And for a few short seconds, I completely forget that he is gone.

I seem to be missing him a lot more in the past few weeks. I've had a few dreams that everything was back to 'normal' or when I spontaneously burst into tear in traffic. it's been rough.
So much has happened since he left, and I really miss him.

But then I find comfort in knowing that he is on my side up there.. and he really isn't missing anything.

-Cupcake :)

Good night Dad

Every night before bed I sit and stare at the picture of my Dad. I talk to him, tell him about my day all the ups and downs and crazy things that happened. I can see his reaction to each story. It is almost like for a second I forget that he is really gone. For that brief second I actually feel as if I am talking to him. Today is three months since he died and I ache more today than the night that we found out. At this time three months ago I was sitting at my parents house trying to understand what was going on. I do not remember much of that night, which for me is a blessing. I do remember crawling in bed with my mom and holding her hand while we slept. Now three months later we are all holding hands. Mom, Julie, Leroy, Brian, Stacy, Rexer and I. Because that is what we do. We have really hard days that never seem to end, but some how they do. I miss him every second of everyday. I hear his voice still and I can smell him. I laugh and cry often when I think about memories with him. He was my Daddy and I was the stereotypical "Daddy's girl". I look in the mirror and I see him. I look at my children and I see him. He is all around me and I take comfort in that. Today while unpacking Ry's old clothes to get ready for Jake to wear I found a shirt that said "Grandpa's right hand man". I remember when my mom bought the shirt. Dad loved it. I am pretty sure that he cried when he saw Ryan wearing it. I cannot wait to put it on Jake, if Dad were here he would have two little right hand men.

Field Trip...

Elisha goes on her first field trip tomorrow and for some reason it is a flood of emotions for me. My Dad went of every field trip I ever had. He worked nights, and would get off work and come whether it was the zoo, saltwater state park, Wild Waves, he was always there. I have lots pictures of me curled up in his armpit while he slept on the bus ride home (thank you to the parents who captured this). I would have loved nothing more than my Dad to have been able to go with Elisha on this particular Field trip to the Nature center, to enjoy smashed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or baloney and cheese-So, thanks Dad for such special memories, I wish today I could just curl up in your arms. Elisha told me that she thinks Grandpa is going all sorts of field trips in heaven and I think that she is right....
I miss you Dad!!! Love, Jul

It's a Boy!!!!!!!

Jacob Landon Orcutt was born on May 1st at 4:27 pm. He weighed a healthy 8 pounds and was 20.5 inches long.

New Normals....

So, as every Wednesday comes around I wonder when I will stop dating them back to my Dads death. It has been 7 weeks today, and the last few weeks have been extremely hard. I am back to work, life is seemly normal around here, with the exception of late night tears, strangers coming to the door asking for Dad, phone calls from metro, Dad's bike getting returned, strange dreams with Dad in them, lots of firsts with out Dad and well to be honest returning to normal life sucks, it is so overrated, gone are the days where we did not leave the house, when people came to us with meals and anything else we needed, when we could spend our time reflecting and crying as we felt necessary- I miss this time.... now I get my reflection time on my car rides to and from work, in the middle of the night, in the late evening with my Mom. The tears come harder and faster almost taking my breath away but seem gone quickly. I am learning the balance of grief and joy and that there are no rules in this process. I am also learning that everyone grieves so different, so it is not worth taking offences when somebody does not respond how I need them to or how I think they should. I am so thankful for the first few weeks after my Dad's death because life stopped, and as it does our world has been put in motion again. We had an engagement party for Bri and Stac, Cin is going to have a baby any day now, Elisha had her first school concert at the PAC, we have been so busy projects, our house is for sale, planning a wedding, and the list goes on, so many good things to look forward to....With everyday that goes by, it becomes more real that he is not coming home, that this is our new normal, everybody says it will get easier, and I look forward to that. For now, I am just doing my best to breathe, enjoy my family, and take moments to remember my Dad....
Love, Jul

Wednesdays...

For me, Wednesdays are the toughest. Each week I think it will just be a little bit easier and then it somehow sneaks up on me and it is still that sad feeling of missing Mike. The memories of a day that seemed so 'normal' and how now just trying to get back to 'normal' can be hard some days. I continue to read the blog, and although it is sometimes sad, there is a lot of comfort in sharing our memories of Mike and moving through this process together. My head knows that this will get easier with time, I am just not sure my heart has bought into that quite yet.

To Judy, Julie and Leroy, Cindy and Rex, Brian and Stacy - you continue to amaze me on how you openly share your heart and move through this time with such grace. I can just see Mike smiling and know how proud he is of each of you. I love you all very much.

So, here it is another Wednesday....miss you Mike.

Joyce

Missing my Daddy

This picture was taken shortly after Ryan was born. If you look closely you can see the tears running down my Dad's cheeks. Today like every day, it is hard. I miss him more and more as each second goes by. I miss his smell, his hands and his laughter. I miss hearing Cynthia Michelle being yelled. I miss feeling safe-like only my daddy could make me feel. I still grab for the phone to call him, try to remember funny things to tell him or think he is home when I pull up to Mom and Dad's house. I know that soon I will get use to him not being here or not calling him, but honestly I am not ready for that. I am not ready for my Father to be a memory. He adored his wife, loved his children and was in love with his grandchildren. I mourn the future not the past. I am less than two weeks away from giving birth to our second child, and I am so scared. Sacred that I will finally realize that my father will not be the first one to walk in the room shortly after I have the baby.

I love you with all my heart Daddy, promise me on the day of the baby's birth I will feel your presence.

Love your,

Middle Child Cynthia Michelle

Missing Big Brother

Friday today and for whatever reason just can't seem stop thinking about my big brother today. I think of him everyday but today he is really with me. Might be the sunshine and the thought of him taking a bike ride...:-) Mom and Dad took off to go on a little "Motor Home" outing...we where all glad to see them finally agree to go...Mike would of wanted them to go and would have been mad to think they would of stayed home because they are sad.

It is sad without him. I wake up some morning's and just for a quick minute forget what has happened...or I think that maybe he is going to call me and tell me some silly story that will make me laugh until I cry! I do know for sure that he is around all of us everyday and that he is having a blast in Heaven. It just has left such a big void down here. I love you big brother...what a blessing you have been to all of us....

Karen

From Cupcake :)

I finally got around to watching that healthy incentives video that Bucky did. I saved it to my computer, but I haven't felt quite up to watching it yet... I did and I laughed. It was good to hear that joking laugh of his at the end!
I can't really believe that's it been a month already. It's crazy.
Thought I'd share a funny thing that happened:
I went to go use one of my old purses and I was cleaning out all the stuff that was in it. I realized that the last time I had used this purse was the last day I saw Bucky (when we all went out to the bar after work)... I had bought a new purse the next day... So, as I am cleaning out all the junk from it.. I started to laugh. Bucky used to like throwing all his garbage in by purses (he said they were big enough, so might as well get the full use out of them). I found the now empty pack of peanuts from the bar, with the remainder of its contents spilled all over the bottom. I made him eat the peanuts so that he would have atleast something in his stomach. And then I stumbled across a dirty snot rag he stuck in there! How typical! I didn't know it was in there. he had to blow his nose on the way home, and I found some tissues in the glove box... I never figured out where he put them when he was done.. hahaha
But it was nice. And it all happened at just the right time. Any sooner and I probably would have cried. But i just took it and laughed.

Still miss him, but it gets easier I suppose. :)

Dearest Mike

Well today is April 10th and you have been gone a month now, and yet it seems like forever. We miss you so much.

Somehow we made it through Ryan's 2nd birthday and Easter, and Sunday we will celebrate Johanna's 4th birthday. It is just not the same without your big laughter and teasing, but we know you are watching over us all.

You are at the top of the mountain now, Mike - no more medicine to take and all talk about and the pain is gone. Sounds like Metro is a little quiter and missing you too just like all your friends. Keep the sun shining for us all with a little rain sprinkled in. We all love you very much.

Love,
Mom & Dad

A great picture of Dad and Mom from their 2 week road trip last summer...

My speech

This is Rex my son-in-law, he's a firefighter. This is how Mike would always introduce me. He was proud of who I was and what I had accomplished. Dad was a great man and has taught me a lot. We will miss him but never forget him. How could you? Here are some of my favorite memories.
I will never forget the day that I asked Mike for his approval for Cindy and my marriage. Mike knew why I was coming into the garage. Along with everyone else. Mike was a larger than life kind of guy. He told you what he thought no matter what. I walked in the garage and began with the small talk. I was so nervous to ask one little sentence. So after awhile Mike prompted me with"So what are you doing this weekend, Rex." My response was "Well, Mike, that is why I am in here. I would like to ask your daughter to marry me but I would be honored for your approval first." Then I saw a tear start to form in his eye. He chuckled and said "Of course my answer is yes, I could not imagine anyone else for my daughter. I consider you a son." Mike always had a way of making things seem very easy. There was nothing to big to handle.
An Oh Shit memory of mine was a hike up to Crystal Peak. Once we got to the trail head Mike got his gear on which included his multi-day pack, poles and his nice boots. My gear included a back pack that I borrowed from Mike and tennis shoes. We started out walking at a Mike's pace. Of course he would say "you can go ahead if you want, Rex." "No, no Mike you know what you are doing I will stay with you." We finally get to the top; had our lunch and took a nap, of course. We headed back down. As we were hiking I started to hear scratching on the trees. I looked around and saw two cubs playing. Looked up another ten to fifteen feet and saw momma bear staring at me. I pointed and stuttered bear. Mike said "Shit Run!" I saw him run by me and I thought to my self "I thought you were supposed to be calm around bears?" But i ran with him because he had more experience than me..... and I knew I could run faster than him. We got half a mile away and I looked back and saw him running as fast as he could, which wasn't very fast. We met up and laughed and then continued our hike probably at a faster rate than normal. We got to the trooper and headed back home and Mike says "How about a shake from Walley's." He loved his shakes. He lived for the moment with no regrets. He always love an adventure.
When I first met Cin I was lucky if could change the oil in my truck. So of course it was important to Mike to teach me to not only change the oil, but do a tune up, and do my brakes. So after a few times showing me how to do my brakes he let me do it on my own. I had the truck backed into the garage, wheel chalks in front of the wheels and the rear end up in the air. I finished the brakes and I was proud because I did the brakes by my self and I knew he would be proud as well. I removed the chalks and started to lower the rear end of my truck and it slide into the middle post of the garage. I thought to my self "crap Dad is going to be pissed." With my tail between my legs I went to into the house and asked Mike to come out to the garage. When he came out he said "Oh shit," followed by "Are you ok?" I said "yes." "Well then lets move the truck." That is the way Mike was. His grace for us was like no other. He would do anything for us at any time at any cost.
Mike has taught me that life is short here on earth. Do not hold back. Do not be afraid. I challenge each one of us to live life to the fullest with no regrets. Take time for family because family was one of the most important things to him. Next to his mountain gear of course. On his Life is Good shirts is says Do what you love. Love what you do and he truly did that.

We love you Dad.

God Bless