Hey Mike, just thinking about you today. Wish you knew all the crazy things going on in your family's life (there is a lot). You would be proud of your kids. Julie is in College back at Northwest University. She is working on her masters. She is the most caring person I know. Ellie cut her hair for cancer patients. Jo, and Hope are growing like crazy. Johanna is really funny. The Orcutt boys would make you smile, and laugh (Ryan, Jacob, and Luke: sounds like a posse of cowboys). They are a well-spring of energy. Rex is really coming into his own. He is owning fatherhood, and manhood. He is the perfect blend of kind, passionate, and courageous. It is cool to watch. Cindy is becoming a great lady. She can be fire and nice. She is really learning when to use the qualities she learned from you. She is a good mom. Your two girls know probably more than half of the BL. The older Brian gets, the more he reflects some of your traits. He is working for an oil support company and getting to travel. It will be interesting to see what this job leads to. Stacey is a great mom. They have two kids Lola, and Ralph; yes Ralph. Loa is a lot like Stacey. Ralph is still pretty new. Judy is Judy. Timeless, energetic, loving, and happy. Well, just wanted to say Hi and let you in on how we are doing. Leroy

Missing you...

Today I miss you.  I realize that I am forgetting details of you, your smells, your expressions, your ways with people.  We went camping this week. we stayed in a yurt, you would have loved it, I thought of you the whole time.  It rained so hard the whole time, the sound of the rain at night was beautiful, the smell of the rain during the day was refreshing.  My life is so full, I am blessed.  You would love to see how the girls have grown and dear sweet Hope would melt your heart.  I knew this would happen, and when it did I would feel panicky, part of healing is that whole letting go part- it sucks.  I miss you Dad, I am needing a bear hug and slobbery mustache kiss.  Life is good, I love you.  Love, Jules

Dad,
I woke up this morning with a very heavy heart. It is hard to believe that we are celebrating another new year without you Dad. With the new year comes so many changes, some new and exciting and some scary as hell. We your children are learning and exploring our new roles in our new family dynamic. Things are not always pretty! But we are trying and we are all sticking together. Things look so different without you. I still miss you everyday. Today Ry asked me if you had ankles- he meant wrinkles I told him yes, but the only ones I could remember are the ones around your eyes. I told him it was because you smiled all the time and you smiled with all of your face. That made me smile and in my rear-view mirror I could see my "smile wrinkles". Lola May does the same thing along with all of your other grandchildren! Today for some reason the tears will not stop. To find some joy and to feel close to you, I loaded the boys up and drove to Mount Peak. On the way up I got a coffee and an old fashion donut for the boys. With two happy, healthy boys in loaded in the back of my van I drove and cried the entire way to Mt Peak. Ry asked questions about you-which he often does. While Jacob pointed out the window saying moo at every animal between our house and Mt Peak. It is crazy to think I was pregnant with Jacob when you died. I wish you could see them, I wish they could feel your house bites, learn about barking spiders and know to never seriously never pull Grandpa's finger. When I got to Mt Peak I wanted to run to the place you died and just lay down, lay in the last place you took your last breath. I just wanted to feel you. I wanted to say the word Dad and have someone respond, I wanted to hear you say I love you Cin. Mos of all I wanted a big bear hug-like only you can give. But I did not run to the top, instead I drove by and cursed that silly hill that was able to conqueror you. My father who was larger than life. People say that the second year in your grief is the hardest-I totally agree. I am no longer numb. Emotions are high and I am trying to navigate my way. Some days I smile when I think of you and other days it makes me sad. On the way home I looked back at my two little boys. Ry who is almost 4 was wearing a hat, safety goggles and gloves(he was being silly) was telling Jake a story about you. He was telling him how you use to play tractors with him and how you are with Jesus now. Jakey sat and listened and then laughed. They quickly moved on to something else, but for that moment I was not sad. I realized that although you are not physically here, your legacy lives on. It lives on within all of us. For that I am grateful. Thank you for living life to the fullest and teaching me so much. God must have needed someone in heaven to teach all the other children about barking spiders. I love you!
Cynthia Michelle

Happy Birthday Son

Well Mike, tomorrow is December 23rd and your 54th birthday. Dad and I had to rush through Los Angeles to get to the hospital in time. We made it, and your Dad was so proud to have a son and I was so happy to hold you in my arms for the first time.

Everyday we think of you, always with a smile, and often with laughter and sometimes with tears. We will always be proud to be Mike's Mom and Dad.

Happy Birthday Son, we love you and miss you.

~ Dad & Mom

Found Photo

I came across this picture today and it made me smile for many reasons. First, Mike has a Starbucks coffee cup in his hand. Going over to the Buchanan's, I knew I needed to finish my coffee before I walked in the garage or bring him one too. If not, he'd say "where's my coffee?" I also love that he got dressed up for my graduation party. I remember noticing his outfit and feeling special that he dressed up for the occasion. I didn't catch it at first, but for this sweet family photo Mike decided to give Cin bunny ears. Classic. He's not even giggling about getting away with it. If I would have noticed at the time, I probably would have deleted it and made him take a new picture. I'm really glad that I didn't. -Jamie

Things I want to tell you...

Dad, There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of something to tell you. I had a Dad moment tonight, Ellie got her first serves over the net at her volley ball game and I cried, just like you would-pure JOY and excitement that brought me to tears. It's cold out- your favorite kind of days- cold and beautiful out. I miss you. Almond Roca is in the stores, REI has some great holiday commercials this year. Mom is loving that her Hallmark holiday movies are on every night and I have to admit-I am loving them also. Lola is great, she is so cute. Brian is starting to look more like you everyday. Stacy is an amazing Mom. Cindy is my ROCK and is still so much like you. Rex is thoughtful and devoted in all things he does. Jake is really "coming into his own" Ryan is so smart, he learns something new everyday and I love that he calls me on the phone to tell me these wonderful things. Ellie's is a young lady, smart, kind and generous. Johanna is full of imagination, she can make something out of nothing and enjoy every minute. Leroy and I have grown in ways we never imagined possible, we are learning what real love is in our life choices. We love being with Mom and Grandpa,we really have become our own blended family. Leroy is amazing at managing the house-it is so much work, he has to unclog the gutters every few weeks it seems and always says "I do not know how Dad did this all the time." Your parents miss you, they are so brave, and in some strange way we all have a deeper love for each other, we even did a camping trip this summer and it was so much fun-just like old times. Your sisters have been a good support for Mom, they have dinner dates the 3 of them. Mom misses you, she is learning to grieve- you know how she is, kind of tough on the outside-strong-English but the inside she is sensitive and tender.Perspective, I ponder this word often trying or attempting to keep myself in check. To remember to enjoy more and worry less. To laugh more and be serious less. To love more. To spend more time trying to understand than being understood. I hope I am doing these things justice, it is how I honor you, remember you and keep you close to my heart. Thank you for being my Dad, for being human, honest, and lovable. I miss you. I love you Dad.Love, Jul

Happy Birthday Daddy!!!

December 23rd would have been my Dad's 53rd birthday. It was a sad and somber day for us. I started my morning out by climbing Mt. Peak. It was my first time up since my Dad's death. Rex and I took it slow and I enjoyed every step of the way. I felt my Dads arms wrapped around me and I heard his calm soothing voice encouraging me all the way. "You can do it Cin, I am here, you will be okay, I will never leave you." I feel blessed to have had several dreams about my Dad with him saying these very same things to me. These are phrases I heard daily from him when he was alive. I still hear them, sometimes I just have to listen a little harder. There is a bench half way up the hike, it reads-see you at the top. Well there is a new top to Mt. Peak for me. It is were my Dad took his last breath. I stood there crying in Rex's arms and a breeze of warm air blew through on a very cold crisp day. Chills ran up my body, and I was yet again reminded that my Dad is all around me and still with me in everything I do. So much time has passed, but yet I feel like my Dad is still here. I look at Jake and I really see how much time has gone by. Jul said it best; Dad and Jake met in heaven and spent time there together before Jake was born. This must be true because I do not ever feel like my Dad did not meet Jake. Jake is just like him.
This past year was a year of new traditions and new normals for us as a family. After a very, very difficult Thanksgiving Mom, Julie, Leroy, Brian, Stac, Rex and I decided that we would celebrate Dads birthday and Christmas just "us" as my Dad would say. For his birthday we did just that after a very thoughtful gift from a friend with detailed instructions to go out to dinner, we did. We went to one of Dads favorite restaurants in Seattle(yes my Dad went to nice places and also would dress up-that is how much he loved my mom!!!). We (mom and her children) had an amazing meal. With a surprise bottle of champagne at the table. We definitely had a great time. As the wine and food were never ending, we laughed and cried a lot but most of all we celebrated. We celebrated my Father, life, each other and the future. We each told special memories. Like Mom said-it was as if no one else was in the restaurant. It was the best way to celebrate him. We were all together, my Dad would not expect anything different but would also be so proud. My Dad lived, loved and laughed each day of his life and I am trying to do the same.